Stuff I’ve said while flying:

On one of my first flights, still unfamiliar with the area surrounding Tires:

ATC: “CS-AYG proceed to Carcavelos, 1000 ft.”
Me: “Proceed to Carcavelos, 1000 ft, CS-AYG.”

Immediately afterwards, I look at the instructor and ask:

“Now… where the hell is Carcavelos?”

———————————

Again, on one of my first flights, with quite a bite of traffic around…

Me: “Charlie Yankee Golf, on final runway 35.”
ATC: “Charlie Yankee Golf, winds three three zero degrees, one five knots, gu…”
Me: “Cleared to land runway 35, Charlie Yankee Golf.”

As I release the PTT button…

ATC: “… to land runway 35.”

Instructor trying not to laugh: “Cleared to land, Charlie Yankee Golf.”

———————————

When crossing 500 feet:

Me: “Crossing 500 knots, landing lig…”

Instructor: “500 knots? In a Cessna 152?! Ahahahaah! You *********”

———————————

The following is a compilation of aviation related stories/jokes that I like. N’Joy!

———————————

Airplanes vs. Woman

1. Airplanes can kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.
2. Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
3. Airplanes don’t get mad if you ‘touch and go’.
4. Airplanes don’t object to a preflight inspection.
5. Airplanes operate inverted.
6. Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.
7. Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.
8. Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.
9. Airplanes don’t come with in-laws.
10. Airplanes don’t care about how many other airplanes you have flown before.
11. Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
12. Airplanes don’t complain if you hose them down.
13. Airplanes don’t mind if you like to look at other airplanes.
14. Airplanes can get high without throwing up.
15. Airplanes expect to be tied down.
16. Airplanes don’t comment on your piloting skills.
17. Airplanes don’t whine unless something is really wrong.
18. However, when airplanes go quiet, just like a woman, it’s a bad thing.

———————————

Chuck Norris aviation related “facts”:

1.  Chuck Norris doesn’t request clearances; he states intentions.
2.  Chuck Norris never gets vectors to final…final gets vectored to Chuck Norris.
3.  Chuck Norris is the only person ever to land on runway 37.
4.  Hijackers squawk 7400 when Chuck Norris is on board.
5.  When Chuck Norris taxis onto the runway, incoming traffic is told to hold short.
6.  Chuck Norris never “loses” altitude, he simply gets rid of it when he no longer has any use for it.
7.  Chuck Norris has never landed with a crosswind. The wind would never dare get cross with Chuck Norris.
8.  When Chuck Norris flies, the altimeter setting is 00.00. Chuck Norris is never under pressure.
9.  Right of Way rules do not apply when Chuck Norris is flying. If you are flying toward Chuck Norris, you are wrong.
10. Chuck Norris doesn’t shoot approaches…he kills them.
11. Chuck Yeager broke the sound barrier with his Bell X-1. Chuck Norris broke the sound barrier with his fist.
12. An ejection seat is not safe until Chuck Norris gets out of it.
13. Chuck Norris was once denied a clearance…once.
14. Chuck Norris is never given the instruction “when able”. Chuck Norris is never unable to do anything.
15. Chuck Norris once moved a stationary front.
16. Chuck Norris isn’t holding, he’s circling above his victims.
17. The weather outlook for the area around Chuck Norris: 100% Chance of Pain.

———————————

NY Ctr: “Federal Express 235, descend, maintain three one zero, expect lower in ten miles.”
FedEx 235: “Okay, outta three five for three one oh, FedEx two thirty-five.”
NY Ctr: “Delta fahv twuntee, climb one ninah zeruh, dat’ll be finah…”
Delta 520: “Uhh… up to one niner zero, Delta five twenty.”
NY Ctr: “Al-italia wonna sixxa, you slowa to two-a-fifty, please.”
Alitalia 16: “HEY! You makea funna Alitalia?!”
NY Ctr: “Oh, no! I make-a funna Delta anna FedEx!”

———————————

True conversation heard at Hanover Airport. The young woman in Tower has recently finished her training and is still not completely at ease. BA XXX is at holding position runway 09R. Another aircraft is doing approach procedures for a landing on the same runway. Tower wishes to expedite take-off for BA XXX:

Tower: BA XXX, are you ready for a quickie ?

BA XXX: Lady, I’m always ready for a quickie, but first I have to fly this plane to Helsinki !

———————————

Pilot: “….Tower, please call me a fuel truck.”
Tower: “Roger. You are a fuel truck…”

———————————

The Pilot’s Prayer

Oh controller, who sits in tower
Hallowed be thy sector.
Thy traffic come, thy instructions be done
On the ground as they are in the air.
Give us this day our radar vectors,
And forgive us our TCA incursions
As we forgive those who cut us off on final.
And lead us not into adverse weather,
But deliver us our clearances.

Roger.

———————————

This T-38 pilot ran out of fuel and decided to put it down on a road. He managed to coast into a gas station and said to the attendant, “Fill’er up!” The attendant just looked at the pilot. “Bet you don’t get too many airplanes asking for a fuel,” said the pilot. The attendant replied, “True, most pilots use the airport over there.”

———————————

Controller: USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.6.
Controller: USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.6!
Controller: USA353 you’re just like my wife — you never listen!
Pilot: Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you’d get a better response!

———————————

What’s the difference between God and pilots?

God doesn’t think he’s a pilot.

———————————

Pilot: “Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.”
Tower: “KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.”
Pilot: “Please confirm: two hours delay?”
Tower: “Affirmative.”
Pilot: “In that case, cancel the good morning!”

———————————

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot but she keeps denying it until finally the husband just knew when his wife said:

Honey, I’ve told you once, I’ve told you twice, I’ve told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair …

———————————

Scene: Student and instructor are on a dual, night cross country.

Instructor: Turns down the panel lights, “OK, you’ve just lost your lights, what are you going to do?”

Student pulls out a flashlight.

Student: “I get out my flashlight.”

Instructor grabs flashlight.

Instructor: “The batteries are dead, now what are you going to do?”

Student pulls out another flashlight.

Student: “I get out my other flashlight.”

Instructor grabs next flashlight.

Instructor: “The bulb is burned out on this one, now what?”

Student pulls out yet a third flashlight.

Student: “I use this flashlight.”

Instructor grabs this one too.

Instructor: “ALL your flashlights are dead. Now what?”

Student: “I use this glow stick.”

Instructor: “Sighhhhhh, just fly the plane without any lights, OK?”

———————————

After a particularly lousy landing by the co-pilot of an Australian commercial airline, that co-pilot heard the Captain announce “Ladies and Gentlemen, XXX airlines wishes to apologize for that rough landing provided today by our first officer”.

Some months later the same crew were together and, you guessed it, the Captain did an even worse one. The First Officer immediately jumped on the intercom announcing “Ladies and Gentlemen, XXX airlines wishes to apologize for that rough landing provided today by our Captain”.

The Captain immediately responded angrily, “What did you say that for?”.

The First Officer replied “Remember a couple of months back? I owed it to you!”.

“But I never keyed the mike!” responded the Captain.

———————————

(This one really happened – the FE was suspended:)

On some air carrier operations, a video camera was installed in the cockpit so that passengers could watch the pilot land the plane. On one flight, the FE decided to have some fun with the passengers and purchased part of a gorilla costume; more specifically, just the left arm. When the plane came in to land, the camera was turned on, and the FE had his gorilla arm on. Since from the position of the camera all you could see of the FE was his left arm, whenever he went to reach up and flip (a) switch(es), all the video showed was a hairy arm! So the passengers were given the illusion that a monkey (or whatever their imagination wished to conjure) was operating some of the controls!!!

———————————

Pilot coming in with his buddy who had never flown before:
Pilot: This is 1234 Delta five miles north for landing with Mike.
The tower clears him and he lands. When they shut down, the passenger, whose name is Mike, says, “Why’d you have to tell them that I was with you?”

———————————

Lady Radar Controller: “Can I turn you on at 7 miles?”

Airline Captain: “Madam, you can try.”

———————————

Pilot: “Golf Juliet Whiskey, request instructions for takeoff”

Unknown person: “Open the throttle smoothly, check temperatures and pressures rising, keep the aircraft straight using …..”

———————————

Student pilot (who forgot to ask for surface wind): “Please pass wind”

———————————

Lost student pilot: “Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself”

———————————

Several years ago a pilot checked in with approach control with the following:

(Said with an exaggerated USA Southern drawl)

Birdseed Approach, Barnburner 123 with you at seven thousand, with Information — excuse the expression — Yankee.

———————————

Pilot: Approach, Federate 303 is with you at 8000 feet for vectors ILS, full stop.

Controller: Unable Federate 303. The ILS is out of service.

Pilot: We’11 take VOR then.

Controller: Sir, the VOR is in alarm right now!

Pilot: Okay, guess it will have to be the ADF then.

Controller: 303, unable. The ADF is down due to traffic saturation.

Pilot: Okay, approach, state my intentions.

———————————

Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.
Pilot: Uh… approach, we’re a single ship.
Controller: oooohhh! You have traffic!

———————————

ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH 1019.
Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH 1019

———————————

O’Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain speed 250 knots.
USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?
O’Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.
USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.

———————————

Student Pilot: “I’m lost; I’m over a lake and heading toward the big E.”
Controller: “Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar.”
(short pause)…
Controller: “Okay then. That lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to
the big W immediately …”

———————————

Tower: “…and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach.”
Speedbird: “That’s correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right…”
———————————

Flying is learning to throw yourself at the ground, and miss.

- Douglas Adams, ‘Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.’

Send in your stories/jokes!